Heroes Anonymous: A Wedding & Some Funerals
by Backroads
Summary: The longawaited sequel to Heroes Anonymous. It's Hermione and Ron's wedding day! How will anyone, including the llamas, survive!
1. down the aisle

_**Warning: **This is the sequel to the monstrosity known as **Heroes' Anonymous. **Be warned._

**__**

**_Disclaimer:_** _We are a group of psychotic college girls with no apparent lives. Therefore we do not have the ability to own any of the following: **The Wheel of Time, Harry Potter, the Chronicles of Narnia, Star Wars, Animorphs, Lord of the Rings, A Series of Unfortunate Events, Treasure Island, His Dark Materials, Ender's Game** (or any other Orson Scott Card novels), **Zelda, The Never-Ending Story, The Last Unicorn, The Princess Bride, Cowboy Bebop, the Edge Chronicles**, or anything else that might pop up without warning. We also claim no liability for anything that happens. Read at your own risk. We do not accept responsibility for any of the following side affects that may or may not accompany reading (because they could just as easily be blamed for something else you have done): nausea, insomnia, sexual side effects, death, high blood pressure pressure, llama bites, or hair loss._

* * *

All things considered, it was fairly okay day for a wedding. The seats were packed. Anticipation and cheesy hymn music filled the air. Bishop Dursley, Harry's uncle, nervously flipped through his speech. He only recently became bishop. Oh how he regretted the day he had let those Mormon missionaries off his doorstep and into his house! Now he had to perform a civil ceremony for two odd friends of Harry Potter. That boy just couldn't stay away long enough. The water from the ocean was getting precariously close to the wedding backdrop. _They had better get this thing going_, Vernon thought. Or the newly weds would be down a few hundred dollars later just replacing their ruined backdrop. Salt water was bad on silk. Peach silk looked especially bad wet. Of course, the unsightly combination of Hermione's wedding colors would probably look better wet—it was matched with fuchsia and lime green.

Colin Creevy was snapping photographs while Rita Skeeter was writing the perfect story for the _Weekly World Witch News_. Both of their work would be appearing in this week's cover story. After all, Harry was doing his first stint as best man. Rita began wondering if she could work the angle of secret love affair between Hermione and Rand al'Thor. Her more rational mind admitted that Rand's current ladies would never allow such a thing, but it still made for some juicy reading and good sales.

The audience was getting restless. Hermione was no doubt spending hours doing her hair and make-up and all those other horribly girly things. The Baudelaire orphans, who were using the wedding ceremony as another hiding place, were already declaring that in five minutes they would set the whole place aflame and take off. Still, it was an impressive list of guests. All of the Hero's Anonymous therapy group was there: Frodo and Susan (as a couple), Jim Hawkins, Ender Wiggins, Jake the Bunny, Edmund, Rand, Luke—with his date Lucinda the Cop. Dorcas the Childlike Empress was there with Yoda, along with the new therapist Aragorn. And he had dragged along the newest group member, Will Parry (this young lad was suffering from delusions of parallel worlds). The sidekicks were there as well, ready to support their own champion sidekick couple.

Somewhere in the background someone had already begun to sob. The wedding hadn't even started yet and already Ron's mother was bawling. As well was Moraine.

"My little girl is getting married!" she wailed.

That shut Molly up. "Your little girl? I thought she belonged to those nice dentists over there."

Moraine blushed. "Well, she is mine. It's a long story." She waved and winked seductively at Mr. Granger, who then shook his head and left to get Hermione.

Tom, who had been performing the wedding music, gasped and broke one of the strings on his harp. "Moraine? You've been out with someone besides me? I thought all you tower wenches were alone and lonely. I thought that's why I had a chance!"

"Loneliness and good vodka are not good combinations," Moraine replied with a shrug.

Tom ran off crying into the ocean where he was subsequently eaten by a rabid sea urchin.

"Hooray!" Vice Principal Nero said, running up with his violin. "Now I can perform the wedding music."

"You had better!" Ron said, already red in the face, about to pass out, and still rather hung over from the bachelor party. "Hermione demanded music at the wedding! She won't marry me without music."

Nero began to play. Constant practicing and six-hour recitals had still done nothing for talent.

Jake the Bunny rolled over and twitched violently.

Susan was furious. "This sort of music would never be allowed in Narnia! Not when I was Queen, anyway! And definitely not at my wedding! Remember that, Frodo!"

Frodo gulped and nodded. "Yes."

"Yes what?" Susan replied with a glare.

"Yes, my darling sweetiekins, empress of my heart."

Harry coughed. Ron bit his lip. "I don't think she'll marry me with that music, anyway. Does anyone know how to play an instrument besides this wonderful gentleman?"

Vice Principal Nero wasn't a wonderful gentleman much longer. Jim Hawkins lost all control and began firing a musket into Nero's vital organs. At least the blood was washed away in the incoming tide.

Unfortunately for Perin, the bullet ricocheted off Nero's ribs and went straight for Faile's brain. She gave the gentlest of screams, muttering, "Lord Luke, I will never forget you!" and proceeded to die.

"Dang it!" Ron cried. "Really, we need a new musician!"

Saruman, wearing one of those eyeglasses-and-nose disguises and looking remarkably like Dumbledore (but obviously couldn't be as Dumbledore was dead), stood up. "I've been known to play a merry tune on the organ in my time. But of course I will need an organ."

"How about that one?" Harry said, pointing at a nearby organ slowly sinking into the sand.

"That would be perfect," said Saruman, strolling over to the half-visible organ. "What a pity Albus Dumbledore isn't here to play! But he's dead. Yes, definitely dead. But he was very skilled at the organ." But Dumble—we mean, Saruman, sat down at the organ and began to play.

And finally the wedding ceremony began. Ed, the spunky child genius of bouty hunter legend, was the flower girl and thus skipped down the path of pearls and diamonds between the guests, throwing matches every which way.

"No!" screamed Jadis the White Witch. "I did not get thrown out of power by bratty British children time and time again and finally give in to the power of goodness just to see flowers not being scattered at a wedding!" She jumped into Ed's path and shoved a basket of daisies into the surprised girl's arms.

Ender checked his watch.

Ed and Jadis fought for a while, and Luna Lovegood, determined to keep the wedding peaceful, broke up the fight. "This is not the way of things!"

"No!" Dorcas cried, leaping to her feet. "We do not judge! All things, good and evil, are equal and worthy!"

"Were you ever an evil dictator?" Jadis picked the Childlike Empress as a new victim. "I didn't think so!"

"I can be downright evil!" Dorcas cried, knocking the White Witch into the silk backdrop.

Luna once again threw herself between them. "Stop! I beg of you!"

The backdrop fell on Blaise Zabini and killed him.

Everyone rejoiced.

Bishop Dursley sighed. This wasn't worth it. Four deaths in one wedding, and Hermione hadn't even appeared yet. "That's it!" He flung down his speech and walked off.

Ron was about ready to cry. Hermione would appear any moment and there was no one to perform the ceremony!

Petunia was relieved. She left her lone spot and ran into her lover, Snape's arms.

Harry was not enjoying this wedding. Why oh why did he always have to be the one to save the day? "Is anyone here allowed to perform civil marriages?"

"I am!" a voice announced. A man in clerical robes stood up. "My name is Reverend Putinesta, and I can perform civil weddings."

The crowd rejoiced once more. Except for the Baudelaire orphans, who only sighed in exasperation. "He has a VFD tattoo on his ankle!"

"How do you know?" Aragorn asked. "You can't see his ankle."

The Baudelaire Orphans muttered some apologies and sat back down. But Reverend Putinesta burst into tears. "All right! I admit it! I really am Count Olaf! And I loved you orphans all this time but I really didn't know how to show it! All the horrible disasters you've been through have only separated us that much longer, but they have made us grow strong as individuals! Can you ever forgive me! Will you just let me adopt you?"

Molly and Moraine began to cry all over again. It was all so beautiful.

Violet, Klaus, and Sunny also began to cry. They ran to Count Olaf, and all four participated in one warm group hug. Then they ran off to do wicked and despicable things.

This wedding was not going well.

A sailing ship appeared offshore. It was the Dread Pirate Roberts. Wesley and Buttercup waved from the deck. "You can borrow our priest!" they said.

Ron and Harry exchanged looks. That would work.

So Buttercup and Wesley tossed their priest overboard.

Saruman began to play the wedding march.

Ed repeated her flower girl romp down the aisle, tossing sporks this time. Then came Maugin, the Maid of Honor, looking extremely bitter. How come she had to be a bridesmaid? What was that all about? Everyone else in the world fell in love and got married except her. Everyone else had decent men who would return to them! But when she had a guy, did he stick around and attempt to rescue her from a mystical land of no escape. No, he did not. Men sucked. That's all there was to it.

Next came Fred and George carrying the ring. Actually it was Sally Peep carrying the ring. Fred and George were just staying as close as they could and holding onto her arms. All three had stupid grins on their faces. Maugin pouted. "When was the last time a man looked at me that way? And how does she deserve two? What makes her so special?" Mean while, Twig looked under the seats in the back row. "Maugin, are you there? I hear you, but I just can't find you."

Then Hermione appeared and a hush fell over the crowd. A banderbear sighed next to Twig. Hermione's sparkley dress with its own built in breeze made everyone gasp. As she drifted down the aisle everyone could smell the perfume she bought on discount at Tiffany's. She managed to pick up a gaudy diamond necklace and enormous pearl earrings as well. In fact, Hermione had picked up a lot of things at Tiffany's. It didn't matter. Ron was paying for everything because he loved her.

As she traipsed up the aisle, all of the women began to bawl. "Oh, she's so beautiful! I wish that were me!" Maugin was the only one not caught in the magic of the moment. All she could think was that she would never get the chance to be in her place. Her man was never going to come back to her.

Hermione took her place next to Ron. Her father took his place next to her mother, Moraine, and glared at Ron. The priest began his speech.

"Marwige, that is what bwings us togever today. Marwige, that bwessed awangement, that dweem wifin a dweem. Speaking of bwessed awangements, who was in charwge of dis one? Cause man, I'm tellin' my sista never to go to them!"

"Hey, did your accent just change?" Jim screamed at the priest.

"No, of cowse not."

"Yes it did, I heard it!"

"Shut up you stupid kid! Nobody asked you!"

Continuing on, the priest asked "Have you the wing?"

"Well, I was saving it for later, but yeah, here it is." Ron produced a chicken wing form his pocket.

The priest looked at it, his stomach grumbling. "Wong wing." He took it from Ron. "I'll just take this so it doesn't mess up your suit. I meant the ring. You know with the diamond, and the gold, and it's circular."

Thankfully, Hermione was blissfully unaware of this because her dress had the magical affect of stopping her from noticing anything bad. Ron had finally figured out how to plan ahead. Actually, he finally figured out how to listen to Harry. Every now and then Harry did come up with good ideas. Actually it was Susan's idea. Harry just claimed it and was the one who told Ron about it.

Sally handed the ring, still in the box, to Ron. Hermione started with the vows.

"Today is our wedding day, the happiest moment of our existence. Ron, you are my sun, my moon, my starlit sky. I dwell in darkness without you. You are my friend, my confidant. You complete me. You had me from hello. I look forward to waking up each and every morning with you by my side. And I look forward to your huge paycheck that you get as a broom salesman. And I know that any flaws that you have in character, I can fix with magic, so I know you are perfect for me. You are my match in every way. I love you, and I give you my hand, forever."

Ron looked at her blankly. _Vows. What vows? I thought that all I had to say was "I do". _

* * *

_**What will Hermione think of Ron's vows, if he even has any? Will anyone else die? What will become of the silk backdrop? Find out next time!**_


	2. Wedding

_We did have something more normal planned for this chapter. However, the temptation to ruin the wedding was too much for us._

* * *

Ron looked at her blankly. _Vows. What vows? I thought that all I had to say was "I do"._ Suddenly he realized his mistake. "Harry, I need vows. You're my best man, it's your duty!"

Harry hiccupped. He had been drinking since the bachelor party the night before, and as a result he hadn't slept all night. "No problem. I figured hiccup this might be a problem. So I wrote you some last night _hic_. Here you go." Harry handed Ron a napkin with a few words scribbled on it.

"I love the way your buck teeth look, I love the way you smile. Your nose is cute, cause it's always in a book. And I never have to stare at it for more than a while. The end. Hey. What kinda vows are these? What were you on when you wrote these? And why didn't you share?"

"_Hic_ The groom should be sober on his wedding day. _Hiccup_ But the best man shouldn't because he's depressed because he's ugly and has a disfiguring scar. And besides, I didn't really write it. It was that one homeless drunk that was laying outside the bar at your bachelor party!"

Sally Peep gasped. "Oh, you mean the stick man. He frequents the bar. As the waitress, I would know."

Meanwhile Maugin was looking at Harry and the strange way his manliness seemed to sparkle. There was something about him in his drunken state that just drew her to him. Perhaps it was the fact that his inhibitions were gone and he couldn't say no or tell her to stay and he would come back for her. "Oh, Harry I love you! Will you be mine from this day forward?"

Harry looked at her cross-eyed. Wasn't he supposed to remember something about someone named Ginny? "Sure. I got nothin' better to do. _Hic._"

Maugin squealed in glee. And her Trog nature began to show though. She grabbed Harry and put a leash on him. He passed out and fell over.

Maugin giggled. "He fell for me! Teehee!" Then she realized that Ron was staring angrily at her—Hermione was just looking wistful. Dang married girls. Maugin blushed. "Sorry."

The priest merely rolled his eyes. "Shauw we continue?"

"Just skip to the end!" Prince Humperdink screamed from the back, his arm around an ugly old bag lady, who shouted "Boo! Boo! Marry her, Harry! Marry Maugin the Queen of Filth. The Queen of Garbage! Marry her! You have true love in your hands even though you dumped her, and you're going to wind up with an ugly old hag like me! Boo!"

Harry was fortunately completely passed out by this point. This was also fortunate because Kronk had joined Professor Dumble—we mean, Sauron, you know the old wizard guy with the nose and the glasses—in a duet.

"I just want my wedding!" Ron cried. "Yes, we will continue! Let's just end this!" He collapsed into a pathetic ball of tears and emotion and stress, screaming "Yes, Hermione! I will marry you and love you forever!"

Hermione giggled. "Oh, Ron. This is so romantic!"

Ron just shrugged and recollected himself. "Yeah, I guess. I'm only doing this for the honeymoon."

"I know, I know! Isn't it romantic!"

Ron glared at the priest.

The wedding was back to continuation. "If anwyone has any doubts about this union, speak now or forwever hold wore piece."

A hand shot up in the crowd. "I do!"

An overly dramatic gasp filled the beach.

Lavender Brown marched her way up to Ron, holding an infant in her arms. "Ronald Weasley! I have not seen a single child support check since you helped create this little monster!"

Molly Weasley screamed and fainted. Fred and George grinned. "Hey! Go Ron!"

Ron looked ill… and annoyed. "I did no such thing!"

"Don't lie to me!" Lavender snapped. "Look at his hair! It's red! You didn't think you could snog and get off scot-free, did you? Look at this red hair! This is Weasley red!"

Indeed, the infant's hair was red. Cheap Halloween hair-dye red. In fact, a can of it was poking from Lavender's baby bag. But no one noticed.

Hermione stared blissfully into the ocean, where some Green Peace activists were whaling on some dolphins and screaming "Take that, you little endangered-tuna eaters!" She seemed to be taking it well.

Ron took a deep breath. "Lavender, do you have any proof this is my child, because I have no memory of this! I didn't think we went that far!"

"That's what they all say!"

"But you were never pregnant!" Ron replied. "Hogwarts is so gossipy I'm sure I would have known!"

"I was pregnant during summer holiday!"

Maugin sighed. "Girlfriend, do you have any idea how long it takes?"

Lavender paused. "…yes. Let me make a phone call." She pulled out her cell phone. "Yeah, I think it's time you two came in here. I have him cornered now."

Officers Dick and Jane walked in with their K-9 unit, Spot. "What seems to be the trouble Ma'am" Dick said as he sauntered jauntily up the aisle." Serveral girls screamed and Moraine called for his number. Hermione's Dad gave Moraine a sad Bambi caught in the headlights look. Hermione's mom growled under her breath but did nothing. Revenge would come in the night.

Lavender gave officer Dick a wide grin. "This bozo hasn't paid his child support in months he refuses to cooperate so I guess I must prove the paternity of my baby. OUR BABY!' He just wants to know his daddy."

The officers pulled out their paternity testing machine that they kept on them as standard redneck and white trash police equipment. This wasn't the first time they had to perform a paternity test at a wedding on this beach.

The organ began to play jeopardy music as the crowd waited in hushed silence for results of the paternity test.

* * *

…..Three hours and a tour later the results were in. Ron was not the father. Link was, his DNA was already on file. Turns out Link had once had something quite like this happen with Zelda.

Link and Zelda at that point came forward. Zelda of course was noticeably pregnant. "Thank-you for watching the baby but I think we can take him from here." Zelda said taking her son from Lavender. Link paid out her baby sitting fee.

"No problem Mr. And Mrs. Link we had fun." Lavender said at which point she left with officer Dick on her heels and officer Jane and K-9 unit, Spot scowling at her back.

Spot stopped and started sniffing he smelled Marijuana. Jane pointed "See Spot. See Spot sniff. See Spot run. Run Spot run. See Spot find marijuana on Miles Vorkosigan!"

"It's not my fault I'm a stubborn midget!" He tried to run off, but broke all the bones in his legs, as Spot sunk his teeth into them. Officer Dick and Jane were immediately on him, and handcuffed him behind his back.

"This better not happen at our wedding!" Susan growled at Frodo

Officers Dick and Jane drug him off, all the while calling him horrible and cruel names.

"But I just wanted to see the wedding!" Miles cried. "Because all the women I love go on to more handsome men!"

"Yeah, yeah, I don't blame them," muttered Jane, throwing him into the patrol car. "People like you make me sick!"

Sirens still blaring, they drove off.

Harry regained consciousness. "Uh… my head… is the wedding over?"

"No," Maugin said with a scowl. "No, it's not. Here's some more booze, honey. Drink up."

One sip and Harry was out like a light.

Maugin wondered why she had never gotten Twig drunk. Then he might have stayed around.

Ron took a deep breath, glared at Lavender, who shrugged and smiled mischievously before taking her seat in the kiddie chairs. "Please," he whispered to no one in particular. "Please, can we just get this over with?"

The priest nodded. Frankly, he was enjoying all of this. "Dwo you, Ronald Bilius Weasley, take this woman to bwe wore wawfuwly wedded whife?"

"I'm all yours, sugar baby," Ron said. "I do."

"And do you, gorgeous…" He winked at Hermione. "Take this punk loser to be your husband? Especially when you can have me? Whall of me?"

Hermione glanced fearfully at Molly, who has now standing in her chair screaming, then smiled at the priest. "No, I won't marry you because you're old and ugly and poor. But yes, I do take Ron as my husband!"

"I pwonouce you man and whife. You may now kwiss the bwide."

"Thank-you!" Ron screamed to the heavens. Then he grabbed Hermione in a very Rhett Butler fashion, held her close and tenderly, and gave her the longest kiss in either of their lives. She wrapped her arms around his neck, drowning into his embrace like a quadriplegic in a swimming pool. The doves, butterflies, fairies, and M-80s that had been purchased for the wedding were released in a glorious thunder of beauty. An early shooting star streaked over the sky. If only Gandalf had been not crazy, but available to set off fireworks—it would have been that much better. Women cried and even men had tears forming in the corners of their eyes—this would make their girlfriends like them, if they were emotional at a wedding. Church bells rang, and the entire ocean lit up like a bonfire with the setting sun. And it was with that very setting sun that something strange began to occur, like magic or something.

Sparkles enveloped Hermione—and not the sparkles from her overpriced dress. The whirling lights circled her, and she began to change. First she was an emu, then a crow, then a school nurse. Ron, of course, wasn't aware of this as he was having the lustiest kiss of life. She continued to switch through various forms. She was a dragon, then a small church mouse. Then an ogre. Then, for some reason, back to herself, before going to Jadis the White Witch before settling on a form. Her true form. And that was the form of Elizabeth Bennett, the heroine of the greatest novel ever written, _Pride and Prejudice._ At least if you listened to Yoda.

Ron let go and looked into his bride's eyes. He gasped. "Why, Hermione! You're pretty! My love for you has made you perfect! I can stand to look at you!"

Elizabeth smiled gently and shook her head. "No, Ron, I am no longer your Hermione. Your kiss has released me from my spell, which a cruel witched named Professor Minerva McGonagall placed upon me. I never was Hermione. I was always Elizabeth Bennett. I could never tell you before this. But now the glorious truth is out. I am the only woman for you! I love you like the day is long and like the stars and the moon, and now we can be together forever! In fact, Hermione never existed. She was merely a figment of your imagination and the enchantment."

Ender raised his hand. "Uh… no, she's real enough. I saw her leave before the ceremony. She's out in the parking lot snogging with Viktor Krum in the back of his clunky junky Toyota Camry."

"Then why didn't you tell me?" Ron asked.

Ender shrugged. "I didn't want to ruin the wedding. You were already freaking out enough as it was."

Elizabeth gave an exasperated sigh. "Fine. I'll tell you the horrible truth. I was with the other girls helping Hermione get ready when in walks Viktor Krum. He said something about "hey, baby, how about a sweet ride in my sweet ride?" And she was all, "Heck yes! I'm having second thoughts about Ron anyway, and you were my first love. And don't professional Quidditch players make a lot more money than used broom salesmen?" And he's like "Of course! Let's get out of here!" And so that left us, and we couldn't just leave you hanging out here. It had to be. Maugin hates your guts, Ginny is your sister and that would just be wrong, we wouldn't let Lucy marry you as we like her too much, Susan's already head-over-heels for Frodo, and Wayne only like hobbits and isn't very girly to boot, so it had to be. But I really am in love with you, because my first impression of Mr. Darcy really was correct and he is a conceited jerk, so I drank some polyjuice potion and here I am! Minus the cat whiskers; I had those waxed."

Ron couldn't help but feel a little hurt. "So Hermione doesn't want me anymore?"

Elizabeth shook her head. "Nope. Sorry."

Ron thought a moment. "Did you get Darcy's money?"

"That I did. The divorce judge liked me. Oh, and half the estate. Don't worry; we don't have any kids, but I got the dog and the horse and the goose, and half his car—we totaled it a month back, so that was easy to split."

Ron shrugged. "You're cute. It works. There were too many upsets with me and Hermione anyway." He proceeded to give her another lusty, Rhett Butler-type kiss.

The crowd cheered and there was much rejoicing.

Molly and Moraine high-fived. They hadn't like each other's kids, anyway. "Ratty little mudblood Granger girl trying to get into my pureblood family," Molly said. 'Because we all know Jane Austin heroines are all pure-blooded witches.'

"Come on, guys," Jim said. "Let's eat."

"But there's nothing left in the vending machines!" Rand cried as he opened his last Twix. He was promptly cuffed by all three of his women.

"Race y'all to the reception!" Edmund cried, jumping up and running off. "Narnia!"

His sisters stared after him. "Wonder if he knows the reception is in the other direction," Lucy said.

Everyone shrugged and headed toward the church house.

* * *

_...and now the reception of doom approaches..._


	3. Reception

Babba Yaga, on her way to prepare for the wedding feast, noticed on the beach Jake the twitching bunny. Picking him up by the leg, she said "Come on little bunny, you'll be a perfect addition to my stew, and there are a lot of people to feed, and besides, you probably escaped from the cage I'm keeping the rest of the bunnies in…Just like that mysterious escape from the pet store…and from the cage in my house. Those rotten little boys, when I get my hands on them…"

She pushed her way through the crowded reception, pushing Yoda and Dorcus apart as they were leading the group in the Macarena.

"Separate us you should not. Couple we are. Into older women, I am not."

Babba Yaga yelled and cursed Yoda with two left feet. Macarena do, he could no longer.

Once back in the kitchen she shoved Jake into the crowded bunny cage, where the rest were cowering in fear of what was to come. And multiplying. To think she had left her shop that morning with only two bunnies…

Realizing she had again forgotten the spices she needed, she made an emergency trip to the store, after giving the bunnies one more sinister threat.

* * *

Meanwhile, Ron and Elizabeth were quizzing each other, trying to get to know each other before the wedding night. Harry was upstairs with an ice pack, moaning. Maugin was wandering the cultural hall checking for rings and hitting on as many single men as possible. Twig couldn't figure out why he kept hearing Maugin's voice. Rand escaped his girls just long enough to spike the sugar free punch with sprite. He was feeling particularly wild, and once his ladies figured out that he hadn't used diet, he knew he would be in a lot of trouble, but he didn't care.

Ender and Jim were working the crowd and picking up older women. "Hey baby, nice eye shadow. Are those varicose veins, or are you just happy to see me?"

Link and Zelda were giving Susan and Frodo advice on being married. Frodo was very worried. The last thing he needed was for Susan to get any more ideas from Zelda. But he just couldn't work up the courage to get away from the dominatrix.

Fred and George, at Sally's behest, were busy spiking the punch with Code Red Mountain Dew. They figured it would fit better than regular, because it wouldn't mess with the color. Everyone who was drinking punch, suddenly got a little more energetic.

Snape and Petunia were making out like teenagers at a drive-in movie. They couldn't help themselves. They had been hiding their relationship for so long.

Edmund had found a WiFi spot and had set up his laptop to play EverCrack while he munched on Turkish Delight. He didn't worry about Rand stealing it anymore, as he had stolen Jadis' bottle of green magic liquid. Those watching decided that as soon as Edmund had graduated from Heroes Anonymous, they would send him to Addictions Anonymous.

Red Riding Hood then skipped by the punch bowl and dumped a bottle of wine cooler in as she passed. Giggling mischievously, she tossed the empty bottle into the nearest garbage can and skipped away.

Luke had by this point picked up Officer Jane to add to his cop collection. Lucinda didn't seem to mind his polygamist habits. Officer Dick was busy trying to fend off the advances of Jadis, the White Witch.

Neville was off impersonating Napoleon Dynamite. In one hand he held a glass of punch, which, Prince Lear noticed hadn't been refilled since Rand had "refilled" the bowl. In his other hand he held a t-shirt that said "Vote for Pedro." Han was video taping the whole thing, and taking note of who got drunk when. This would be great for many future interviews.

Maugin, having hit a low point in her manhunt, decided that alcohol makes everything better. She refilled the nearly empty punch bowl with vodka and Everclear. No one noticed this (except Han and Prince Lear) because they were enthralled by a game of Mad Libs.

A bell rang and there was a hush across the room, (except for Neville) as several servers brought out Babba Yaga's famous stew. It was like a scene out of Hogwarts. In fact, the same person who had enchanted the school decorated it. Everyone dug in with much relish.

"What kind of stew is this? It's really good." Prince Lear commented.

"It's Babba Yaga's famous rabbit stew. After all it's only the best that I would get for my wedding. But I guess it's not really my wedding anymore…Hey, is that priest still hanging around?" Hermione began searching for the priest as Viktor closed the door behind them. There were more than enough hiccys between them to go around.

"Ummm, has anyone seen Jake?" Luke wondered. "The last time I saw him he was convulsing from bad music. Then we all came in here…" Everyone stared at their stew. It couldn't be…But where was Jake?


	4. Yet Another Funeral

It was a fact. Try as they might, looking under hill and Dell (though Edmund really wished they would all leave his computer alone) and in the dresses of well-endowed female wedding guests, there was no sign of Jake.

In seconds a search party had been formed which included everyone who was attending the wedding. Except Harry; he was still passed out upstairs. They started by combing the beach. Many combs were used up. They found several objects of great power, each capable of destroying the earth. But no Jake. They didn't even find any bunny foot prints leading to mysterious and unknown areas. There could be only one conclusion.

Jake tasted good with carrots, though he could have used a little more garlic. Lucy, bawling her head off, demanded a funeral for poor, poor Jake. Deciding that the Sketchers' box, minus the cheeseburger, would make a perfect coffin, they dug it out of Saruman's (not Dumbledore's) gym bag. It was a little greasy, but with some of the stew in it, it wouldn't really matter.

It was decided that the only one who could do Jake's eulogy justice was Harry. Ginny went to fetch him. He woke up a little groggy and promptly puked on her shoes. When he finished, Ginny took him downstairs and gave him some punch to clear his head. While he drank, she put her shoes in Susan's purse, and tossed the purse into the ocean, killing the last dolphin.

"Alas poor Jake, we knew him well. He had a fluffy bunny tail. And then he died, and so we cried. He was our pride. Now he's deep-fried." Harry's stirring words were interrupted as Babba Yaga shrieked.

"I do not deep-fry my food! That's not healthy! You should be glad that I bothered to put meat in it! Do you know how many calories are in rabbit?"

Lucy demanded Babba Yaga be arrested for murder immediately. Dick and Jane handcuffed the culprit. That made two. And with Harry in his current state, they were sure to get to arrest him for Flying Under the Influence. They were sure to get their quota for today. That meant a promotion for Officer Dick; Officer Jane was yet under the pressure of the glass ceiling.

"And tomatoes are not a vegetable," Harry ended as he passed out. Everyone agreed that it was a beautiful eulogy. They wiped away their tears and wandered back into the cultural hall where they returned to munching on their stew. It really was pretty good, even if it did need a little garlic. Ginny drug Harry in, because nobody else cared about him.

FOURTY-FIVE MINUTES EARLIER

Babba Yaga returned from her emergency shopping trip to find an empty bunny cage. Stricken with panic, she rushed to the freezer to see if there was something she could use to substitute for the bunnies. There was a large container of ice cream with an odd-sized chunk of meat attached to it. It must have been brought from the community center for the wedding dessert. She chiseled the meat off of the ice cream and plopped it into the stew pot. Once it melted a little, she realized that it must be left over from the wolf Gandalf needed for his destruction spell months ago.

As she was putting the ice cream back in the freezer, she saw something else that might be useful. It was a large plastic bag with a note that said "Save for Voldemort." She shrugged and pulled it out anyway. Upon opening the bag, she saw the tastiest of all meat. Unicorn. But not just any Unicorn. The last Unicorn.

Voldy wouldn't be needing it. He was busy trying to stop conjuring the ghosts of all the people he had killed. That was a troublesome spell. Always got it the way when trying to kill archrivals. Some villains never learned.

FIFTEEN MINUTES BEFORE THAT

The Ellimist popped into the kitchen. He was severely angry at not being invited to the wedding. He would have his revenge. They would have nothing tasty for dinner. Except Rice Krispy treats. He just couldn't bring himself to get rid of those. Carefully opening the now-packed bunny cage, he yelled, "Be free, bunnies, be free!"

Half the free bunnies went straight for the freeway and were squashed by fast-moving vehicles. The other half followed Jake as he hopped off to find something to feed his army.

AN HOUR AND A HALF BEFORE THAT

A tiny door mouse nibbled his way across the Rice Krispy treats. He then tracked his dirty, plague-infested feet across the wedding cake. And left a few tokens of appreciation behind him. He was frightened off by the sound of husky breathing. He was reminded of the story of his Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great Grandfather Reepacheep, who sailed with Prince Caspian. Too bad he hadn't learned German from the great Willhelm Grimm, like his Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great Grandfather had. It would have been useful in his travels. Oh well, at least this mouse knew that cheese was Kase.

TWENTY THREE HOURS BEFORE THAT

The paper boy with the worst aim in the world tossed his final paper of the day to his final stop of the day. He missed so badly that the paper went flying through the window of the same kitchen that would be used to cater the Weasley-Granger wedding.

ANYWAY…!

As the guests were munching on their stew, Luke was bawling into his. "It's all the Sobe machine's fault! If only it had given me my Sobe when I asked, Jake never would have been a bunny. And now, it's too late. He'll never get to grow up and find out that his archenemy is his father. He'll never get to know what it's like to lose a hand…" Rand's girls, hearing the crying of a man, immediately went over to console Luke. After all, they had always been attracted to sensitive men, and Rand wasn't being very sensitive lately. He was always whining about not being allowed to have sugar and something about credit cards.

The cake was hauled out by no less than ten men. After all, it was Hermione's and it had to be the biggest, the best, and the heaviest. With a sigh of relief, the ten men set the cake down on the table in front of Ron and Elizabeth, then backed away. Elizabeth and Ron smiled at each other and giggled. It was like they had fallen in love at first…kiss. Only for real.


	5. Shmendrick's Return

However, just as the knife clenched by both Ron and Elizabeth made its way into the cake, they heard a terrifying scream.

"Ow! That hurt!"

Ron rolled his eyes. "Hermione would have had to order a talking cake. How much did that cost me?"

"Uh, Ron?" Elizabeth asked in a terri-foid voice as she clutched Ron's arm in the most romantic and damsel-esque manner possible. "Did Hermione also order raspberry jam filling?"

"I do not like raspberry jam," Saruman quoted. "I do not like it, Saruman. Oh, wait! I'm Saruman!"

Collin Creevy sighed. "For crying out loud, we all know that you're Dumbledore and that you aren't dead! So stop pretending to be Saruman before he slaps you with a lawsuit."

Dumbledore slunk off muttering to himself.

"Back to the cake," Elizabeth said. "Again, I ask if Hermione ordered raspberry jam filling!"

"I don't think that's raspberry jam," Jim muttered. "I think it's—"

"I am Shmendrick!" Shmendrick jumped out of the cake, frosting stuck to his hat and other awkward places. "I have come for the wizard known as Potter. Harry Potter. He and I have some unfinished business regarding the death of my dear friend the Last Unicorn and my other dear friend Prince Lear, who, in his grief, tragically took his own life." Shmendrick wiped away a tear and some frosting from his eye.

Prince Lear looked up from his bowl of stew. "Hey! I'm not dead, you idiot!"

Shmendrick blinked. "Sorry. It's just been hard to keep track of the body count lately. Anyway, my other dear friend Prince Lear, who, in his grief, tragically and accidentally gave himself a papercut!"

Prince Lear nodded and held up his finger with a Power Puff Girl Band-Aid. "Yes, that did happen! And it hurts! Probably not as much as your injury, Shmendrick."

Shmendrick looked down at his leg. It seemed to be dripping blood. "I've had worse."

"Like when?" Prince Lear asked.

"That one time in that one place when I fought that one dude with that one guy," Shmendrick snapped. "You were there, you should know. Anyway, bring me the one called Harry Potter!"

Everyone stepped aside and pointed to the groaning, drunken mass known as Harry. Ginny had tried to clear his head by giving him more punch, but try as she might, it just wasn't working!

"That's Harry!" Ender said. "That's the man! Harry, someone is asking for you." Ender helped Harry to his feet.

"You look like a moose," Harry said to no one in particular.

Shmendrick smiled darkly and pulled out his wand. "Finally. My moment of revenge."

Harry drunkenly picked up his wand and promptly dropped it again. Ender sighed, picked the wand up, and forced it into Harry's hand.

Shmendrick lifted his wand into the air with much flourish.

And the kitchen door flew open.

"Magic, do as you will!" Shmendrick shouted.

And the puce-colored beam shot out of tip of the wand and landed on the army of bunnies that had just emerged from the kitchen, led by Jake riding an RC car.

Susan screamed and jumped into Frodo's arms. "Demon bunnies!"

Then the room was filled with sparkly pink smoke. The Barbie Crack Dream had returned. As the smoke cleared, the wedding party suddenly realized that the bunnies were gone and they were being stampeded by a herd of llamas.

Chaos ensued. The punch which was now 200 proof splattered all over the floor where it began eating through the second-rate finish on the gym floor. Apparently the floor's condition was the only detail Hermione had left out.

Not that she cared at that moment as she and Victor snogged in the corner, oblivious to the world. Much like Ron and Elizabeth, who had found another corner and had forgotten about the cake, the llamas, and pretty much the whole wedding.

When the llamas were finally cleared, the triage began. Dumbledore, formally known as Saruman, lay on the floor, arms broken and hoof prints in his back. No one could find Lavendar's glass eye. Edmund's laptop lay shattered on the ground, and Edmund mourned its loss. His life no longer had meaning. Twig was scanning the bodies in a desperate search for Maugin, unaware she was searching for him in the same manner on the other side of the room. Ender and Jim were looting the bodies, much like Susan who had managed to find her dream engagement ring on one of the upper-class corpses.

"This is the one I want, Frodo!" she cried in jubilation. "This is it!"

The Wonder Girls, aka Rand's harem, were bawling over a cluster of credit cards that had been torn and trampled in the onslaught. Rand showed emotion of the opposite.

Han, Marcos, and Collin had found the whole thing quite amusing and had fortunately caught it all on video. _The Tonight Show_, here they came!

Link, Zelda, Petunia, and Snape were sitting in the corner on a card table, sipping tea and giggling at the state of affairs. Several fairyless bottles lay scattered about them.

And the only person besides them who was uninjured was Harry, laying, still drunk, in the middle of the floor.

"He's alive!" Ginny said happily as she pushed away the bleeding bodies that lay atop her. "He's all right!"

But then the Ellimist appeared, popping out of Elsewhere and grabbing Harry. "Shmendrick, you fool! This is how it's done!"

The Ellimist then grabbed the reception registry pen, which had conveniently ended up nearby, giant peach feather still intact, and thrust it towards Harry's eye.

"No! Harry!" Ginny squealed as she saw what was about to happen.

But her cry was not the only one. "I'll save you, Harry!" cried Jake the Llama.

Susan shrieked again and once more jumped into Frodo's arms. "Demon llama!"

Jake the Llama, with a powerful leap, smashed into Harry, knocking him out of the Ellimist's fateful grasp. As the pen struck Jake's flesh, his fur disappeared and he morphed into his natural human form--

In nothing but tennis shoes and blue-striped socks.

Many girls squealed in delight.

Jake the Human looked down to realize his awkward plight. Snagging a tablecloth, he made himself a very convenient fuchsia toga.

The Ellimist, having been thwarted, angrily raised his hand to destroy Jake the Human.

But then Officers Dick and Jane wandered in.

"We brought donuts!" Officer Jane said happily. "We thought it would be—"

The donut box dropped as she noticed the damage.

"Who is responsible for this?" Officer Dick demanded.

Everyone pointed to the Ellimist.

"Hey, Dick," said Officer Jane. "Isn't that the guy from that "Universe's Most Wanted" poster?"

"I'm calling in back-up," Officer Dick said, pulling out his walkie-talkie.

The Ellimist assumed he had time to flee, but just then the door opened once more and in stepped Agent J, who proceeded to slap a pair of handcuffs on the Ellimist's wrists.

The wedding guests gathered around the door as the Ellimist was drug off to the cop car. Agent J didn't even bother to flash the neurolizer. As the Ellimist, master of the universe, was shoved into the back seat, a slow applause arose from the guests.

"But I control space and time!" the Ellimist said.

"But I don't care," Agent J replied in a snooty voice.

"But I alter fate and destiny!"

"Not today, buddy."

"But I am the most powerful being in the universe!"

"Yeah, yeah, that's what they all say. Aliens like you make me sick."

And Agent J climbed into the driver's seat and took off, tin cans and crepe paper dangling from the back, along with a banner reading "Just Married." Lucy and Susan had decorated the wrong car.

Little Red Riding Hood made her way through the crowd to Jake. "Oh, Jake! You are my hero! You were so brave to save Harry!"

Jake looked her up and down. "Do you really have to go to your grandma's house, sweet thing?"ar

They then proceeded to the last remaining corner in the cultural hall. Everyone could hear high-pitched giggling coming from this corner the rest of the night.

Which, happily enough, continued any major interruptions—as long as you didn't count the ninja falling from the ceiling, which Tad decided made it a party, and commenting the cake looked like Ron, Luke using the Force to make himself dance better than Neville and falling and spraining various body parts of himself and others, and the realization of the truth of the stew. Prince Lear collapsed in tears and really attempted to kill himself with the wedding cake knife.

But other than those incidents, it was a good time for all involved. Harry and Ginny announced their engagement, Twig and Maugin found one another, Edmund decided to give up technology altogether and become a hermit, and Luke was taken to the hospital by Officers Lucinda and Jane, where he was promptly introduced to Nurse Betty—the next addition to his polygamous way of life.

After the wedding was over and the guests had departed, Ron and Elizabeth wearily realized there was no one left to help them haul out their gifts. Then they noticed Saruman's truck (which Dumbledore had stolen as part of his disguise) and the keys still in the ignition. They drove it off to the hotel, where they were too tired to have a real honeymoon night.

**The End!**


End file.
